Before I became a mother, I was, and still am, a feminist. My version of feminism at the time acknowledged few essential differences between males and females of the human species. I was convinced that socialisation – parenting, schooling, peers, and the media – accounted for most of the differences we see between boys and girls, men and women. Another gap between ideas and the real world, it seems.
Today I found myself at a nearby park at a windy 6:20 p.m. feeling distinctly – well, nervous – as I realised I was the only female for miles around. There were some teenage boys playing basketball in the court nearby and a few rough looking younger boys kicking balls up into trees, and then me and my toddler son, who does such a good drop-kick that he even got an admiring remark from one of the ‘tough lads’: “Good kick, especially for a little kid.”
I notice how at the age of two and nine months, my son’s ball skills have surpassed my meagre ones already, and how he looks at the older boys with fascination, soaking in everything they do with an attentive eye. That’s where he learned how to drop kick: sure, I showed him a couple of times, but he was the one who asked me how to show him in the first place, because he’d seen other boys doing it. As a girl, I avoided ball sports like the plague, even hiding in the cloakrooms before gym (or P.E. as it was called). I was so unco-ordinated I couldn’t fathom how to return a volleyball or hit a ball with a bat, and I froze up with fear when a ball came my way.
So this is all new and foreign territory as I notice I’m spending at least 1o minutes a day doing a formerly despised and feared activity, and almost enjoying it at times. Often it’s all too easy to think of Jude as ‘my child’ and so when his gifts and interests emerge in a different – and very masculine direction – I not only realise that he is after all quite a separate being, but also a sense of foreignness creeps in: after all, I have never even remotely understood the male species (even now).
As a women who grew up in a very female household (a sister, a mother, a grandmother and a lone male: my dad), boys and men fascinate, excite and terrify me by turns. At school, boys were the ones who teased and bullied me most – although girls could be vicious in their own ways. It’s so strange to think that my own child is now the possessor of this masculinity, that can take so many different forms, but often in our society is distinctly twisted in one direction. I walked past a mother with a young son yesterday, saw him fall and bite back the tears as she said, “You ain’t crying, see, you ain’t a cry baby, you’re a big boy.”
Of course there are many girls and women who love ball sports and physical activity: but Jude has been largely brought up by me, someone who couldn’t care less about such things, yet he showed a clear preference for looking at ball play since before he could say the word: from as soon as he could turn his head as a baby.
It’s not just the interest in balls and climbing, the need to be ‘walked’ like a dog (while I was happy to spend hours curled up with dolls and books as a child), and the ‘vroom-vroom’ gene as Susan Maushart, author of ‘The Mask of Motherhood’ calls it: it’s the sense of separateness, a feeling that in some sense I will never understand my son and what makes him tick, because he is, well, the opposite gender from me. I felt a sadness as I looked at the older boys and realised that Jude won’t want to play ball with me for very much longer, that in the not too distant future he’s going to be firmly ensconced in a peer group of boys. That they will become his barometer of how well he is doing. Now, he asks for cuddles and kisses and to be picked up, and needs me to kiss his knee better when he falls; so I try to appreciate these moments, although I’d really rather be in the bath with a book.
Which, actually, I’m going to do right now that he’s finally asleep (yes, I needed the breathing technique as it was a bit of a battle again…)
But first: a tip for managing the gap between your patience as you’d like it to be, and the rapidly wearing-thin-sense-of-tolerance that is sometimes the less palatable reality. Applicable to parents and non-parents alike. It’s a simple tool called the square breath. Simply inhale to the count of four, hold for four, exhale to four, and hold out for four. Continue until you notice that your state of mind has changed, or at least you’re concentrating more on the breath than whatever’s threatening to ‘make’ you lose your cool. It’s helped me many times when I’m feeling a sense of time pressure or a situation of high emotional velocity.
Oh, and magnesium. I’ve noticed a big difference since I’ve been taking a magnesium supplement once a day. It was recommended on a natural parenting site for helping people cope with the stresses of everyday life, and I’ve noticed since I’ve been taking it that I feel – well, just more in control. I still feel irritated when Jude, say, won’t go to sleep and I desperate for some me time, or he’s asking me the same question for the tenth time – but I don’t feel that sense of water rising above my head. Apparently many of us are magnesium depleted with today’s depleted soil and diets, so it’s worth looking into it. Oh, and it has to be taken separately from calcium or any other vitamin or mineral, so as to be absorbed properly.
Oh, yes…that bath is getting cold. Have a good week!
Great post, so beautifully articulate and easy to read, and even as a non-parent I could feel the emotion of your journey. Looking forward to the next one!
Thanks Rin! Glad you could enjoy it as a non parent. Don’t worry, the posts won’t all be about parenting…;)
Dear Rin
I’m actually trying to respond to this posting, but can’t find a way to! I’m so glad to find people talking about these things, albeit a while back. I’m working up to it. Check me out at boywoman.wordpress.com.
ah yes! boys eh! I think our two are quite gentle ones as they go. But already he loves lists, and numbers, and linear progressions of things! And what is it with the anything with wheels thing? I remember my friend (who has 3 girls) being rather astounded by how girly they wanted to be at such young ages. She is not a ‘girly’ girl. They didn’t get wanting to wear nail varnish from their dad or her! At the playgroup its really funny the way the teeny tiny little girls just push dolls about in prams all the time. That now seems alien to me!
Moyra: yes, they are pretty chilled, but the lining up of stuff in precise order (and extreme upset when it’s disturbed) – well, yes, that’s pretty male!
Well written and I can identify how you feel about the ball thing! I was very glad to have had girls only as also dreaded the “going to watch ball sport”on a Saturday morning!! However you are doing well with Jude by taking him out to the parks etc so he can be exposed to what boys do! You are a very caring mother.
Thank you 😉 I guess that’s what being a parent is about, though – going with what your children really need from you and their environment rather than just superimposing one’s own ideas of what’s fun. But I can imagine you were relieved to have girls 😉
I soo related to you article on boys & balls…& the emotions surrounding these differences. Indeed boys are like puppy dogs who need plenty of regular excercise!
When my son was young I spent 3 years of long winter mornings by the side of a frozen football pitch in order to indulge his desires. Every sunday at 7.00am he would trot out proudly in his clean kit…& I would drive him all round sussex in order for his team to be defeated 13-0 ! It took a long time for him to realise that he was not the next Beckam.! I wanted to protect him from such realities, as I wanted him to believe he could be what he wanted to be, but I couldn’t !
I found that the gender differences ‘leaked’ out into most areas of life really. I always said when he was born that no son of mine would play with guns. I had always been a pacifist & felt that children should not be exposed to or learn such things. Well the little fella had other ideas & fashioned his first gun with duplo whilst only 4. By the time he was 5 & old enough to wittle wood he made himself his 1st bow & arrow shortly followed by a sword! (both of which I still have in the loft ) I won’t even go into the fun he had when he discovered water pistols!
I think this all gives creedance to that old saying ‘Boys will be Boys’!
I have on rare occasions wondered what it would have been like to have had a daughter who likes dolls & dresses but as a woman who grew up with 3 brothers & didn’t do such things myself & even dislike ‘Barbie’ intensly….I am more than happy with my loving boy & believe the bond between Mother & Son to be a rare & special thing. I would not change a day of it & would gladly do it all again.!
God Bless bouncing baby boys!
Thanks for sharing your experiences, Carol. I must admit my heart sank at the mention of 3 years of watching footie in the cold…aargh, I hope he’s not going to be THAT into it. But it just shows, what we’ll do for the love of our children that we wouldn’t do otherwise! As for the weapons stuff, yep, I think it’s a pretty primal instinct, to make weapons and so on – after all they would have been hardwired to do that for millenia. Re having a girl and Barbies – I must admit I have a secret feeling of relief that (so far at least – u never know!) I don’t have to contend with all that fashion angst and apparently teenage girls are even worse than teenage boys…we shall see! I actually love having a boy so far and it’s certainly teaching me a lot.
It is a source of constant fascination to me the boy / girl thing. Very prominent in our household as both Elliot and Marcus are at the boisterous, lively end of boyness. I watch at playgroup how they will pick up with the same dolls and play with them in a very different way. I say that not as a negative point but as an observation.
I am also from a very female household. Two sisters, lots of aunts and only one boy cousin. It is such a steep learning curve and a priviledge to learn about boys from within. I think it a great shame that my mother fed me such an unsavoury image of boys. She definitely had me believe that ‘sugar & spice and all things nice that’s what girls [we]re made of, slugs and snails and puppy dog tails that’s what boys [we]re made of’. So sadly instead of seeing the shimmying up lamp-posts and den games of boys with the curiousity and admiration it deserved I viewed it as a case of ‘us’ and ‘them’ and that boy energy was somehow an offensive thing. Something to shy away from and that ruined our games.
What I realise now is that boys have a unique and wonderful energy that needs a little help to be channelled in a constructive and positive way. I have seen that when girls and boys are encouraged to play well together that they can bring wonderful qualities out of and learn from each other.
What an exciting position we are in as the mothers of boys to be in to have the chance to shape and influence the men and husbands of the future…
Wow, Anna, what a great comment. Thanks for sharing that. A lot of memories came flooding back of being scared of boys as a child and, like you say, seeing them as ruining what we as girls were doing. I think often their aggression was almost a self fulfilling prophecy when they were labelled and judged so much. I actually feel very protective and supportive of boys now! How things change. And yes, what a wonderful opportunity we have as their mothers… I think there’s a yogic saying that one of the most sacred things a woman can do is mother a great man..sounds very anti feminist but you can see how it works.
Hello so why is it called square breath? I can see it is four equal stages but is that the reason? Keep it up me too!
Hhmm, not sure why it’s called that, but I can sort of visualise it 😉 Nice to hear from you Carol x