On Sunday, in London, I attended my second cuddle workshop. For some of you these words may conjure up a faintly dodgy image with perhaps sexual connotations. Or perhaps you might think it’s ‘sad’ to pay money to go somewhere where you can get a cuddle. These thoughts have all run through my head at one point. In fact, cuddle workshops are emerging out of an increased awareness of the effects a touch-deprived society has on us as human beings who all need touch to thrive, feel connected, and to belong.
I think this gap is so rarely acknowledged. Those who are not in an intimate relationship – and even some who are – may spend days, weeks, even months without close physical contact with anyone, without having their human skin touched by another human skin. Touch triggers the release of oxytocin which is the ‘feel-good’ factor that creates bonding between mother and newborn baby, between people who are ‘falling in love’, and it helps create a strong sense of belonging and being wanted in any human being.
While I am lucky enough to have a cuddly toddler, it always makes me wince to see adults wheedling, “Please, give Daddy/Mummy a cuddle, come on,” to an unwilling child. We cannot expect our children to meet our needs – we’re here to meet theirs, after all, and anything else is unhealthy and inappropriate. I think we need to be able to experience touch on our own terms and ask for our own needs to be met, and my experience is that cuddle workshops can provide an arena to explore this.
The reality is that in a British culture – and the South African one I grew up in is very much informed by this culture – many of today’s adults have grown up touch-deprived in one way or another. I have heard men share that the ‘stiff upper lip’ mentality has resulted in parents refusing to comfort them physically as little boys, and even girls have shared that their parents did not show them physical affection, particularly past a certain age.
One thing that I realised at the workshop on Sunday is that in adolescence, as sexuality awakens, touch is again ‘on the menu’: but only with a sexual agenda. Is it any wonder teenagers are often so quick to get sexually involved, when it seems to offer them the connection and intimacy they so crave, even if they are not consciously aware of it? After that, unless we were fortunate enough to grow up in a physically affectionate family, touch seems to be forever linked with sex, and we become very wary of touching anyone, and suspicious of anyone touching us.
I was lucky enough to not really have any preconceptions when I attended my first one at Midsummer Camp last Summer Solstice. I was already in such a ‘loved-up’ state from being part of a wonderful setting, sharing food, play, affection and deep soulful talks with some really special people who became like family during that week – some of whom I am still in regular contact with.
So, because I was already feeling very open, it wasn’t much of a stretch for me to do a cuddle workshop: to massage and hug others, and be massaged and hugged, and to end up in a huge ‘cuddle puddle’ at the end of the workshop with everyone there. And yes, everyone remained fully clothed in case you are wondering!
Here are some of the words from the workshop press: “a safely boundaried space in which to connect with others, give and receive quality non-sexual touch and experience the joy and deep relaxation of close physical contact; to discover and let go of hidden agendas around physical contact, and playfully explore your boundaries, enjoyment and challenges around touch. ”
The workshops also promise to help you “gain tools for getting more satisfactory touch in your life and to learn how to say no (and yes) powerfully and comfortably.” As someone who has struggled with boundaries in my life, practising saying ‘no’, and becoming aware of whether or not I really want a particular kind of touch from someone, was challenging but empowering.
At Sunday’s workshop, facilitated by James Lockley and Anna Nathan, it really showed that I had been in a touch-deprived zone for a while. I felt much more vulnerable and nervous than I had at Midsummer Camp, and it took me a while to ‘get into it’. I experienced some very difficult feelings coming up when everyone spontaneously moved into a ‘cuddle puddle’ at the end – I felt a need to protect my own space, but I also wanted to be a part of it. I gave myself space to feel these feelings – there was no pressure to be in contact if one didn’t want to – and eventually, when I felt like reaching out again, I joined in, and was glad that I did.
What I noticed afterwards as I travelled back to Brighton and dealt with busy Victoria Station and people in various ‘closed-off’ states, was that I continued to feel very present in my own body in a way I normally find difficult to access, often tending to ‘live in my head’. I felt a stronger awareness of my boundaries and less hesitant about moving away from people if they were crowding my space. I also felt a profound compassion for the people I saw, a sense that we were part of a human family that all have the same needs, no matter how much we may try to hide it.
Just as I was wondering how to create more of this touch in my everyday life back in Brighton, I bumped into a friend yesterday who I am just starting to get to know – and she gave me a warm, heartfelt hug. Like many things in my life, I know I can move closer towards this way of being and feeling with others, if I keep holding the intention and remaining open in my heart. In the meantime, practice sessions are always welcome!
Mind the Gap 
Thanks for sharing your experience, I totally agree with our human need of touch … Some people seem really surprised when I hug them (especially men) as if they think I’m interested in them in a sexual way … so cuddle workshops is the way forward! Would love to take part in one …
I went to some cuddle events run in London in 2007 which I got a lot from. The facilitator wrote a blog about them at http://www.touchambassador.typepad.com but isn’t running them any more. I’m interested that someone else is now running similar events – could you post contact details for James Lockley and Anna Nathan’s workshops please?
Thanks for the blog. It is nice to read about your experience with this workshop. I have yet to attend but would love to. You can find Anna and John on their site at http://cuddleworkshop.co.uk.
Hi Carl, I only just saw this message! Our website is http://www.cuddleworkshop.co.uk and there are details on how to contact us there.
Warm wishes,
Anna
How many people attended this cuddle? I just saw on TV that it was £24 each. What for the hire of the room and the organisation skills of the couple organising it? That and meetup.com’s expensive fees? What a rip-off! Just go and find a new friend who is free enough to cuddle you without getting aroused or freaked-out. If that’s too hard, people making profit off emotional deprivation is far from the solution – the situation is so dire that only voluntary and wide-spread mental change will help. Which commercialism (restriction of access to make a profit by controlling supply) will NOT help. I disrespect the organisers for their cynicism or for not offering this at cost – I bet they make enough money from their other jobs and think it’s OK to make a profit before helping people. Google studies on Altruism and tests of whether most actions that are ostensibly altruistic are genuine.
If you were paying £24 to the stranger you were cuddling so they could pay their rent then it might help. As far as I can detect (and forgive any assumptions on my part) this is spoilt Camdenites assuming they have a right to earn x amount of money for their time when there’s people out there on minimum wage and STILL giving a good service because they’re good people at heart. They’re the ones who really need a hug.
I have a big problem with a lot of the psychotherapy industry, in general. It’s a scam where practitioners don’t have to work as hard as the rest of us. I sincerely believe that. The ‘patient’ does most of the work, and it’s a lot harder for the ‘patient’ than anyone else, that’s pretty much a rule. So what if the practitioner had to study, EVERYONE has to get qualifications, but not everyone is pretentious enough to justify an inflated wage. How can you get a refund if you think the therapist isn’t up to the job? It’s a service, and so covered by the Supply of Goods and Services Act. Or it should be – if such people were held to the same standards as the rest of us, of course they’d be just as unhappy. So the moral of the tale is to be happy, scam someone with a smile on your face, and as long as they are made happy, who cares if you over-charge. I respect any therapist who actually helps in proportion with their charges, but damn, I know bar tenders who work harder at the same thing.
Hi Ben,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I can totally understand your cynicism, it should be right that events like this are free to everyone and I wish it were possible for us to do so. Just to let you know that after all the expenses we incur for each workshop (which are surprisingly high), James and I earn less than minimum wage per hour for all our efforts. We put a tremendous amount of time and energy into each workshop and a lot of this is done from our hearts and wanting to see the world become a more loving place. I don’t want for you to feel uncomfortable about the comments you made but I do want for there to be an understanding that things are not always as they appear.
Wishing you well,
Anna
OK, censor my previous comment criticising spoilt people who over-charge for what they actually provide – for the effort they put in to earning their money versus the average. The example here being someone who books a room sits there whilst people cuddle and tells people some obvious rules (don’t abuse those you’re hugging and if you feel horny, move away and stop). Why on earth is that worth so much money? Because they can? Because people don’t do the maths as they’re so happy to pay whatever it takes within reason? Do you not see how that is WRONG?
They took over £500 from this 22-person session. Is that acceptable pay for three hours’ work for two people, less the small expenses they had? Did they employ security to stop people feeling each other up for a cheap thrill? What if one rogue bloke had? Would the organisers be physically capable of removing him from the venue? I argue not. THIS is what they should be paying for, the security and professionalism of the service, as well as for the organisers’ time (at a REASONABLE rate for the effort).
The resource here is not the organisers’ time but the people who turned up to cuddle each other, and that resource is being exploited due to the desperation of people for human touch. That’s like a drug dealer exploiting people’s desperation to relax from stress. It IS, don’t delude yourself! The dynamic is the same, the FORM of the exploitation doesn’t involve drugs and is healthier, but the power/money dynamic is the same. Not so virtuous when one puts it like that, is it? So please don’t pretend it is.
Look around – genius art often goes (relatively) unpaid whilst people exploiting weakness gets paid… I guess capitalism is all about pulling the wool over people’s eyes and being a good con-man. Thanks for helping perpetuate such a lack of integrity in your own small way by spending your money on people who are happy to act like this in their business.
Ben/El Kapitan, despite your slightly worrying email address, I’ve decided to include your comments in the interests of free speech… I hear that you have some thoroughly thought out and interesting opinions on cuddle workshops and the psychotherapy industry in general, and it certainly was thought provoking for me. Thank you for your contribution to the debate – it’s always good to hear another side, and my blog was never intended to be a one-sided one. I think you have a point, that many people do very valuable work and are incredibly underpaid, while it can seem as if others who are ostensibly doing less are being paid an inflated price. I think teachers and nurses for example do some of the most essential and giving work there is but their professions have little status and the pay reflects that. I couldn’t agree more that capitalism’s values are skewed, and this is certainly reflected in these disparities of pay.
Although I do not doubt that there are indeed people out there exploiting the trust of people in the name of ‘self-help’/therapy etc, knowing the people who run these workshops personally I can vouch for their complete sincerity and passionate belief that what they are doing benefits humankind. It couldn’t be further from cynical exploitation. I agree with you that it would be far preferable if society underwent a radical transformation in which cuddling became ‘mainstream’, and that having workshops to do so does in some ways feel a little contrived. However, I think that the workshops serve a valuable purpose in bringing an awareness of these issues to the public, and provide a space where people who DON’T have friends who cuddle them, or who do, but would simply like to explore more of this area (as some people expressed at the workshop I attended), can interact with each other and provide nurturing touch. This is all part of creating a larger movement where touch becomes more normalised in our society. Deep change of that kind can take decades or generations to achieve, and I would love to hear any suggestions from you as to how that could take place in other ways.
I know that Anna and James do hours of preparation and work to get these workshops together – each one is unique and involves a variety of different exercises with different purposes. I have to ask – have you ever actually attended a cuddle workshop? If not, I would suggest that it’s a bit problematic to pass judgment on something you have not experienced, and seen for yourself what goes into it. As someone who has a background in psychology and has also facilitated and taught workshops on a variety of topics over the years, I know that holding a space for people to undergo experiences that could potentially have a significant effect on their experience – including sometimes emotional releases which one has to be able to contain and handle – is not a trivial matter, and requires one to be of a certain emotional maturity and calibre as a person. And yes, I do think 500 pounds pay for two people for this kind of workshop is reasonable, bearing in mind that a significant portion of that goes on workshop materials (of which there are many) and room hire. As anyone with experience in running workshops knows, you are not looking at just the time of the workshop itself, but the hours of preparation, marketing/networking time, and the life and work experience of the people who run it. The workshop I attended, and I believe this is ongoing, are paid on a sliding scale from 19-24 pounds so people can pay within that range what they can afford. Also, the workshop I attended had far less than 22 people and the amount does vary – yet the room costs etc still need to be covered.
There is also the principle of, people value what they pay money for. They tend to significantly commit their best efforts and energy to that time and space more than if it were free. This is why even when Yogi Bhajan, Kundalini Yoga Master, taught to drug addicts etc in the 70’s he asked for a donation – however small, it could be a penny. The point is, an exchange of energy should take place. I don’t agree that the resource is the people who came to cuddle – they would not be there in that space, in that way if James and Anna had not organised it and created the set up of a safe space for nurturing touch. As for security, that is a question I could not personally answer as I am not involved with the set up, but I’m aware that this is something that is thoroughly considered by the organisers.
Again, thank you for your comments.